Consolation in Memories

During our lives God often speaks to us. It might be through another person, an event, a sound, a thought, during prayer or some other form of communication. We often dismiss it as a coincidence. But think about all the unusual coincidences in your life. For people of faith, God is right there with us and He is just waiting for us to talk to Him whether it is in adoration, in praise, in thanksgiving or to ask. Sometimes He wants us to share those conversations with others so they too can feel His presence.

To that end, I am sharing with you the story of my Mom, a proud, strong German lady who never asked for help and whose motto was, “Never let anyone see your dirty Laundry.” Mom was born in what is now the Village of Menomonee Falls, WI. She moved to Milwaukee to attend business school, married, worked and then, had me. When I was 11, our family returned to the Falls. It was a lovely place to live and Mom’s roots there ran deep, filling her life with old friends and family. My parents lived there 35 years. However, after Dad died, life changed. At 85, she had no one to help her with shopping, doctor appointments or even Church which meant she had to rely on others.

I suggested that she move down to live in a retirement complex near me in Ohio. After looking at several places, she agreed. The happiest/saddest day was when her bridge group had a party for her at the local restaurant to say good-by. We both knew they would never see one another again.

Mom and I were close, and I wanted to be with her, to help her and just be together. She began her stay in independent living and for a few years she and her former friends maintained close contact. She was not particularly interested in new friendships. Then dementia began to set in and she found it difficult to control her temper. Her personality changed. The lady who was always in control was having a very difficult time with being led. After a while it became apparent that she needed more help and we transferred her to assisted living.

It was at that point I was reminded of John 21:18. While Jesus was using this verse to describe Peter’s death, it reminded me of the feelings of the elderly.

“Amen, amen, I say to you, when you were younger you used to dress yourself

and go where you wanted; but when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands

and someone else will lead you and take you where you do not want to go.”

The move was hard for Mom. More than anything, she wanted my undivided attention all the time. Her inability to control her anger resulted in unkind actions toward others. We prayed the rosary together nearly every visit. She didn’t make any friends. She grumbled about everything and at one point kicked another resident which resulted in her sitting alone in the corner for meals. I was told that they couldn’t keep her in the unit any longer and recommended an Alzheimer unit at another home. She was accepted there after testing.

The facility was clean and the staff was capable and kind, but having a roommate provided no real privacy and the surroundings were sterile. She didn’t complain much to me except that she wanted me to stay with her more. She said that, “If she wasn’t crazy before, she’d be crazy now.” She was seldom happy anymore. I would take her out to the enclosed garden on nice days, but she was always eager to get back inside. We still prayed the rosary together.

I had always done her hair throughout the years, and it was something I kept on doing each week. During the next year things continued to decline. We finally got to the point where she needed to be fed and it became apparent that she was not eating properly. They set up an appointment with the dietary department to review her likes and explain their goals.

That morning I did her hair and afterwards I asked if she wanted to look out the window. To my surprise, she nodded yes. A few moments later the dietician, a sweet little gal with an Irish brogue, and the head nurse came in.

The first thing the dietician said was, “Mrs. Forster, your hair looks beautiful,” to which Mom replied, “Thank you” in a very kind voice. The nurse and I glanced at one another hardly believing our ears. “Humph” was more like we would have expected. Throughout the visit Mom answered the questions about her preferences, with, “Yes please” or “No thank you.” This was the Mom of old speaking.

When the meeting concluded, I asked if she would like a cup of ice cream, her favorite. Her answer was, “Yes, that would be good.” I got it and fed her. When she said she was tired, I called to have them prepare her for her nap. The next day the head nurse told me that it was time for hospice. Mom had been dozing in and out of responsiveness. The activities director had put a small radio by the bed so she could hear soft music. I never again heard her voice. She lived three more days but never opened her eyes. The nursing home called on the last morning saying they didn’t think it would be long. When I arrived, the nurse said she had just checked her and she still had a pulse, but when I walked in, I said, “She’s gone,” and so she was.

For me it was bittersweet. I knew how unhappy she was after leaving her home, but I also knew she was with the Lord. I’d miss her, especially the lady I had recognized that last morning. What a gift God had given me. I waited with her lifeless body until my husband came and we said good-by to her.

For some reason, the nurse said, “Why don’t you go back in for a few minutes.” I did and took her hand in mine. Her clenched fist opened and out fell her rosary. At that moment I had confirmation that Jesus had been with her when she left this world even if I was not there. He was there for both of us.

Vi